I couldn’t tell you why the hell Heidi Montag is famous other than that she had a shit-ton of plastic surgery done. I don’t know if she’s on a reality show like Snooki, J-Woww and the other fucktards on Jersey Shore or if she banged Tiger Woods or gave Nazi salutes to Jesse James. All I know for sure is that “Heidi Montag” and “Spencer Pratt” sound like minor characters from a Fu Manchu novel — “Good Lord, Sir Denis! Dr. Petrie tells me that young Spencer Pratt and his chambermaid Heidi Montag have fallen victim to the insidious Dr. Fu Manchu!”
And I also know, of course, that like all talentless shitheels today (that’s right, I’m looking at you, Montana Fishburne, Kim Kardashian, and Paris Hilton), Heidi and Spencer have a sex tape that’s about to be released upon the world courtesy of Vivid Entertainment.
Can we please have a different apocalypse? This one is too slow.
